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PlanetWooD
Bringing you the best in texts and video games

Since 1999

RANTS (ADAM808)

Lethario Stories

   
LETHARIO, DELLA, AND ALLEN

By Adam Mitchell
    I.
Lethario awoke and looked to his side.  As always, he was greeted by the
unnerving site of the cryogenically frozen head of Bob Barker, host of The
Price is Right.  Lethario will scream at the top of his lungs as usual and
smash the head with his hammer.  The head, as usual, will complain that it is
not dead yet and that it's evil twin robot stop trying to slowly turn The
Price is Right into hardcore pornography.  Lethario would laugh and the
millions of tiny repairmen in his phlegm would repair the head and then sit
around 'till lunch.  Lethario took a swig of rat poison enhanced coffee and
was ready to start the day.
It was 4:00 a.m. and Lethario had yet to begin his daily whoring.  He stood
on the street corner and demanded that everyone succumb to his manly charms
as well as his ample Lucky Charms.  Lethario, angered at the populace for not
noticing his many charms, then sprinted.  He ran as fast as he could and as
far as he could.  He was chasing the invisible Gila monster again.  It tried
to escape him by being invisible, but Lethario was no dweeb.  LETHARIO WAS NO
DWEEB!  Lethario took out a box of Tart 'n Tangy candy and begin to pelt the
creature.  It would let out numerous screams of pain.  After and hour's worth
of chasing, Lethario and the invisible Gila monster would go out to lunch.
Lethario pulled up a chair and laid his gun out on the table.  He began to
have a staring contest with the invisible Gila monster.  They would each take
turns pointing the gun at each other's head and shooting their brains out.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!" They would laugh as the brain matter
flew out of their ears.  Onlookers would clap happily and begin to tongue
clean the wreckage.  Today was somehow different however.  The invisible Gila
monster coughed slightly.  Lethario asked if it was alright and it said
Lethario could take his balls and shove them under an ice cream truck. 
Lethario grabbed a hold of the invisible Gila monster's neck and bit as hard
as he could.  He bit of its head and swallowed the rest whole.  The gathered
crowd then threw roses at Lethario, chanting, "STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE
STEVE!!!!!"

    II.

After that, Lethario saw Della Reese floating in the air.  She was yelling
something about how wonderfully delightful it would be if everyone would just
shut their god damn mouth for a change.  She then ate a rice cake, drank some
gravy, and told Lethario HELLo.
"Greetings," Lethario replied.  Lethario spat up at Della Reese until her
sorry fat ass fell to the cold, hard, unforgiving ground.  The two joined
hands and skipped to the cavern of jelly.  The plains they crossed were ugly
to say the least.  To say the most, The Wastelands of Unsightlyness were
savage, barren wastelands filled with disgusting monsters like the Phillip
Morris beast.  This monster was a giant lion-like beast who was made of
cigarettes and pure, cool, delicious tobacco flavoring.  On a summer's day,
it is said that you can see down straight to the filter and the beast will
evaporate.  The landscape was a shade of gray and a disgusting green that few
had before been able to look at without being sick.  The plains laid out for
miles before they reached the Cavern of Infinite Jelly, a place of infinite
beauty, shine, and jelly.  It was here that Lethario and Della had mediocre
Canadian "star" Alan Thicke tied to a geometrically perfect pyramid of Tide
clothes washing detergent.  unbeknownst to the world, the Alan Thicke that
was masquerading around the world post-Growing Pains was a beast of pure
Evil.  Doing infomercials and syndicated entertainment programs no doubt
showed the true evil nature of the beast that was Evil Thicke.
Lethario and Della shaunteed and sashayed into the Cavern and heard the usual
wails and screams of this man.
"Your plan will never work!" Alan yelled to the two.
"No it won't! Hahahahahahahhahahahaha!" Della yelled back.
Alan Thicke began to cry heavily.  It was this kind of insanity that always
seemed to greet him when he awoke strapped to the Tide pyramid.  Alan
remembered vividly the day it had all began.  He chose now as a good time to
recollect those events, because Lethario and Della were having a tug of war
with the 1957 Boston Red Sox.

    III.

It was a good day for Alan Thicke.  Just an hour ago, he finished shooting
the final episode of Growing Pains.  His acting skills were now of such high
caliber that he could easily remember up to three pages of dialog.  Alan
Thicke exited his car and began walking to the door.  As he lifted himself
out of the car, Alan noticed two figures floating above him.
"Della Reese?" is all Alan was able to say before the other figure grabbed
him by his neck and threw him into unconsciousness.
Alan reawoke to notice his captors sitting in a corner around a bunch of blue
papers.  Alan began to scream out the usual things someone who has just been
kidnaped would scream, such as where am I? and who are you? and what have you
done to me? and AHHHHHHH!  All this was normal and elicited no response from
Alan's two captors.  After looking over the plans for a while, one of the two
captors approached Alan and introduced himself.
"Greetings my good man.  To answer your questions in the order asked, you are
in the Cavern of Infinite Jelly, my name is Lethario, that ass-ugly woman
over there is Della fuckin' Reese, and we have kidnaped you because we had
nothing better to do.  While on the way to tie you to this geometrically
perfect pyramid of Tide, we decided to take a sample of your blood, hair,
voice, tongue, eye, knee, and scrotum so that we can genetically engineer an
evil robotic clone of  you to reek havoc on the world at our command.  Now,
we will take the samples," Lothario said as he signaled for Della Reese to
bring over the sample-taking tools.
Della walked over with a large array of old rusty metal tools.  Della picked
one up, licked it, and began.
Far across a place as desolate as even The Wastelands of Unsightlyness the
screams of a man could be heard faintly trailing the laughing of a black
woman.

    IV.

And so it had been like that for too many years for Alan to keep track of. 
He had to formulate some kind of plan to get out of the insanity he was stuck
in.  One day, when Della and Lothario were out, and the legion of French
penguins with rifles had all fallen asleep, Alan decided to make his escape.
About a week ago, during his daily feeding, Alan had bitten down on
something so hard that it had chipped away one of his teeth.  Alan had been
holding on to this chip for quite some time, waiting for a use for it to
appear.  Alan surveyed the ropes which were binding him to the Tide.  It
seemed as if one of the lengths of rope had not been securely fastened the
last time Della had allowed Alan to walk around and stretch.  Alan took this
opportunity and began to cut at the thin rope.  After what seemed like an
eternity of scratching and sawing, Alan was finally able to cut away the
ropes.  Alan fell gently and quietly to the ground and stretched the
appropriate stretches.  He surveyed his options.  He knew his judo skills
were high, so he let out a loud, triumphant yell to awaken the legion of
French penguins.
"Monsieur, why for do you make the noise, no?" one said as it touched the
alarm to awake the rest of the legion.  One by one, penguins filed out of
every visible opening in the cavern.  Alan fought of as many jelly covered
penguins as he could with graceful kicks and powerful punches.  When it
seemed as if he had finally exterminated all of the penguins, Alan heard a
clapping.  He looked in the direction of the clapping and noticed Lothario.
"Very good, I'm impressed!" Lothario said sarcastically.
In a flash, Della flew behind Alan and grabbed him from behind.  She flew
high into the air so quickly that Alan lost consciousness.

    V.

Alan reawoke to the familiar sight of the far end of the cave.  Feeling now
more hopeless than ever, he tried one more bright idea.
"PLEASE!  LET ME OUT! AHHHHHHHH!" Alan yelled.
Della and Lethario looked at each other with a sense of puzzlement.  They
both shrugged and walked toward Alan.
"Well, I guess," Lethario said as he loosened the ropes binding Alan to the
geometrically perfect pyramid of Tide clothes washing detergent.
"If you asked," Della Reese said as she cut out the rest of the ropes.
Alan stood in a strange sense of stupidity.  At this moment, he felt as both
the stupidest man alive and the most ill.
"You mean. . .all. . .I. . .had to. .do. . .was. . . . . . ask?" Alan said
sheepishly.
"Yeah, I guess.  I mean, we never looked at it form your point of view, I
guess.  Ha.  Kind of funny isn't it, Della?" Lethario remarked.
"Yeah, I mean, whodathunkit?" Della returned.
Alan began to laugh.  The laugh grew loud and large and then frightening. 
Alan reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun.  He shot Lethario right
between the eyes and plugged Della five times in the heart.  Laughing harder
now then ever before, Mr. Thicke turned the gun to himself and shot himself,
through the throat, in the brain.
   
LETHARIO AND ALF

    VI.

"Odd, yes, Mr. Lethario, but yet for you to have seen the rest," the penguin
that could fly told Lethario.
Thinking, "So, that wasn't enough?", Lethario got up, wiped the bullet out of
his head, coughed up a billion tiny giraffes to repair the damage in his
head, watched the giraffes jump through hoops, shoot heroine, and talk about
the game.  He then convinced them all to commit suicide citing Shakespeare's
old adage, "Your a giraffe, KILL YOURSELF!"  Satisfied, Lethario returned
home.  He swung open the doors to his 75 acre mansion and had to ask himself
why he built a dog house on 75 acres of land he had to steal from insane
Iroquai.  Not to say that it wasn't a good dog house, but, that's a lot of
land and those were some crazy ass Iroquai.  Ha Ha. Who?  The first thing
Lethario did once he was inside the house was to look over his plans.  Now
your first question might be, "HEY! Where's my Root Beer!  And while we're at
it, where's my Beef Jerky you SON OF A BITCH!" and to that I would say, "HOLD
ON!  You'll get yours, oh yes, you'll get yours."  But after that, your
second question might go along the lines of, "Hey, now just what kind of
plans were it that Mr. Lethario. . .were. . .going. . .over. . . . . .Are you
touching my car.  I SAID DON'T TOUCH MY CAR!"  Well, the plans he was going
over pertained to, uh, well, we'll get to that later.  First, let's examine
what happened to Lethario one day a few days ago when he tried to check into
a swanky hotel in Upstate New York called the Hourly Rate.

    VII.

Lethario walked into the lobby of the hotel and looked the desk clerk
directly in the eyes.   "What the hell was that guy doing under that desk?"
Lethario thought.  He then jumped under the previously mentioned desk to find
a midget, oh, I apologize, Little Person, under the desk running in a Hamster
wheel.
"You have to IMPROVE your aim!  IMPROVE!" Lethario said before he snapped the
Little Person's neck in ten different places, killing him instantly.  He then
asked the desk clerk why he was smoking a cigarette on the job before he
snapped his neck with a computer controlled neck snapping device made of
artificial cheese.  Hey, this is too weird for me to make it up, so of course
its true.  Taking one of the many keys that was on the invisible key ring,
Lethario went to his room.  There was something slightly amiss, though, about
his room.  Ahh, that was it.  After wiping the broken toasters off his
ceiling, Lethario did 7,500 jumping jacks to the 1812 Overture, 123,900 push
ups to the theme to Mash, and 456,777,890 leg and arm severings to the Muzak
version of "Back to Life/Back to Reality".  All worked up with energy now,
Lethario jumped into the pool from the balcony of his 456 floor room.  Amazed
that a woman could actually join NASA, every one in the pool simultaneously
asked Lethario the same question.
"LOCATION!  LOCATION!  LOCATION!" they screamed.  Lethario couldn't feel
right swimming in the pool, however, seeing as it lacked one important thing.
Yes, it lacked. . . . . . wait for it. . . . . . uh huh. . . . . . the right
amount of chlorine.
"Hey you guys!  Do you think there's enough chlorine?"  Lethario yelled as
loud as he could into the ear of a small child.
"NO!. . .uh. . .actually, yes," they all said.  All except for one.  Alf. 
Alf stood there on the water and floated on it as he most normally did,
strumming his old six string and humming an old country tune.
"I'll have to disagree with you on that one, Charlie," Alf said.  Alf said a
lot of things, he never seemed to know when to shut the hell up, that guy. 
"You see, on Melmac, my home planet, we thought this was just the right
amount of chlorine," he said as he dipped his hand into the water and pulled
out a scoop of water and drank it.  Lethario was angered quickly.
"We'll see who knows what about what when I add the right amount of
chlorine," Lethario said as he opened up his chest cavity and let the
chlorine flow out of him like chlorine flowing out of a man's chest cavity. 
The people swimming in the pool all swam directly under Mr. Lethario and
drank as much of the chlorine and blood mixture as they could.  All of them
now dead, Lethario stared Alf directly in the eyes.
"I think that was just the right amount of cocaine, I mean, cocaine, huh Mr.
Alf?" Lethario said in his best Bruce Lee impression.  It's all good.
"GOOD GOD!  OH. . .OH MY DEAR GOD!  You just, I mean, OH MY GOD!" one man
that had seen all this said.  Lethario instantly made him atomize and explode.
"Ha, you believe, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Lethario, that was the right amount?
You know nothing.  To prove you know nothing, it is my plan to start a war
with you.  A brutal, terrible, evil war, in which few will survive, but many
will win fantastic prizes, such as a trip to Swazilaharatiti and maybe, if
they're lucky, Queens," Alf said as he flew into the sunset.
"You'd think flying into the sun like that would burn him up; I wonder how he
survives it," a strange turtle remarked as it walked on by.  Lethario didn't
have time for such complex Calculus problems as this, so he kicked the turtle
away from him and flew instantly to his house to prepare.

    VIII.

His plans laid out before him, Lethario looked them over.  Yes, with this
brilliant strategy, Lethario was sure to win the victory over that cat eating
bastard.  First, his battalion of glazed donut warriors were sure to weaken
whatever force Alf would put up first.  Then, Lethario's second battalion,
the Bums of Chivalry and the Prostitutes of Destiny would undoubtedly destroy
his second wave and maybe penetrate his third.  Last but not least,
Lethario's most powerful offense, his final attack squadron, was infallible. 
Yes, it would be impossible to destrtoy the original cast of Charle's in
Charge.  They were the most fight ready group of wash-outs Lethario had seen
since. . .Lethario didn't want to think about it.  They were too powerful. 
It would be impossible for Alf to have acquired them on his side.
The day of the battle was set for August 76, in the year 7095.  After 5096
years of surprisingly un-tedious wait, Lethario and Alf met on the hill of a
place with a whole bunch of hills.
"Today is to be the day, then," Alf remarked to Lethario.
"Yes, today it is to be settled," Lethario remaeked to Alf.
The two both rode back to their respecticve positions on their giant flyng
AirSickness Bags.

    IX.

Lethario's glazed donut soldiers marched with their spears down to meet Alf's
forces.  Alf's first forces were a group of young fighters you may readily
remember as the stars of 1989's highest rated illegal porno, the Care Bears! 
The two groups fought valiantly.  The glazed donut soldiers speared the
plastic button eyes out of the bears and tossed them back agian as powerful
projectiles.  The Care Bears would tear out their own stuffing and then eat
it.  The Care Bears all ended up dying because they pulled all the stuffing
out of themselves and died.  Seeing this, the glazed donut soldiers all
instantly combusted and flew high and majestically into the air.
"What the fuck was that all about?" Alf was left to ask.
But time for reflection was shortlived.  The second battle was to take place
now.  Lethario's Bums of Chivalry and Prostitutes of Destiny ran onto the
battlefield letting out loud screams of joy and anger as they went up against
Alf's army of Bill Gates clones.  The two factions fought valiantly.  The
bums and prostitutes were adept in quickly dismantling Mr. Gates of his
power, but in the end, they were no match for the Bills' power.  Get it?
"One for the Alf side, I do believe," Alf said triumphantly.
"That may be so, but did you expect this?" Lethario said as he unfurled the
original cast of Charle's in Charge.  For a moment, Alf had a look of defeat
across his face, before he began to laugh.
"GOOD!  Very good!  But, I have, them. . ." Alf said as he pointed down to
what Lethario had feared most.  Not only was it the original cast of The
Fact's of Life, but the entire cast of the A-Team. 
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Lethario yelled as Scott Baio and friends were quickly
destroyed by the much more powerful casts.
"I can end this," Lethario said as he ended it by grabbing his Johnson and
reciting the Canadian National Anthem.  Alf and his forces quikly
disappeared.  Lethario had won.