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LETHARIO, DELLA, AND ALLEN
By Adam Mitchell
Lethario awoke and looked to his side. As always,
he was greeted by the
unnerving site of the cryogenically frozen head of Bob
Barker, host of The
Price is Right. Lethario will scream at the top of
his lungs as usual and
smash the head with his hammer. The head, as usual,
will complain that it is
not dead yet and that it's evil twin robot stop trying to
slowly turn The
Price is Right into hardcore pornography. Lethario
would laugh and the
millions of tiny repairmen in his phlegm would repair the
head and then sit
around 'till lunch. Lethario took a swig of rat
poison enhanced coffee and
was ready to start the day.
It was 4:00 a.m. and Lethario had yet to begin his daily
whoring. He stood
on the street corner and demanded that everyone succumb
to his manly charms
as well as his ample Lucky Charms. Lethario,
angered at the populace for not
noticing his many charms, then sprinted. He ran as
fast as he could and as
far as he could. He was chasing the invisible Gila
monster again. It tried
to escape him by being invisible, but Lethario was no
dweeb. LETHARIO WAS NO
DWEEB! Lethario took out a box of Tart 'n Tangy
candy and begin to pelt the
creature. It would let out numerous screams of
pain. After and hour's worth
of chasing, Lethario and the invisible Gila monster would
go out to lunch.
Lethario pulled up a chair and laid his gun out on the
table. He began to
have a staring contest with the invisible Gila
monster. They would each take
turns pointing the gun at each other's head and shooting
their brains out.
would laugh as the brain matter
flew out of their ears. Onlookers would clap
happily and begin to tongue
clean the wreckage. Today was somehow different
however. The invisible Gila
monster coughed slightly. Lethario asked if it was
alright and it said
Lethario could take his balls and shove them under an ice
Lethario grabbed a hold of the invisible Gila monster's
neck and bit as hard
as he could. He bit of its head and swallowed the
rest whole. The gathered
crowd then threw roses at Lethario, chanting, "STEVE
STEVE STEVE STEVE
After that, Lethario saw Della Reese floating in the
air. She was yelling
something about how wonderfully delightful it would be if
everyone would just
shut their god damn mouth for a change. She then
ate a rice cake, drank some
gravy, and told Lethario HELLo.
"Greetings," Lethario replied. Lethario
spat up at Della Reese until her
sorry fat ass fell to the cold, hard, unforgiving
ground. The two joined
hands and skipped to the cavern of jelly. The
plains they crossed were ugly
to say the least. To say the most, The Wastelands
of Unsightlyness were
savage, barren wastelands filled with disgusting monsters
like the Phillip
Morris beast. This monster was a giant lion-like
beast who was made of
cigarettes and pure, cool, delicious tobacco
flavoring. On a summer's day,
it is said that you can see down straight to the filter
and the beast will
evaporate. The landscape was a shade of gray and a
disgusting green that few
had before been able to look at without being sick.
The plains laid out for
miles before they reached the Cavern of Infinite Jelly, a
place of infinite
beauty, shine, and jelly. It was here that Lethario
and Della had mediocre
Canadian "star" Alan Thicke tied to a
geometrically perfect pyramid of Tide
clothes washing detergent. unbeknownst to the
world, the Alan Thicke that
was masquerading around the world post-Growing Pains was
a beast of pure
Evil. Doing infomercials and syndicated
entertainment programs no doubt
showed the true evil nature of the beast that was Evil
Lethario and Della shaunteed and sashayed into the Cavern
and heard the usual
wails and screams of this man.
"Your plan will never work!" Alan yelled to the
"No it won't! Hahahahahahahhahahahaha!" Della
Alan Thicke began to cry heavily. It was this kind
of insanity that always
seemed to greet him when he awoke strapped to the Tide
remembered vividly the day it had all began. He
chose now as a good time to
recollect those events, because Lethario and Della were
having a tug of war
with the 1957 Boston Red Sox.
It was a good day for Alan Thicke. Just an hour
ago, he finished shooting
the final episode of Growing Pains. His acting
skills were now of such high
caliber that he could easily remember up to three pages
of dialog. Alan
Thicke exited his car and began walking to the
door. As he lifted himself
out of the car, Alan noticed two figures floating above
"Della Reese?" is all Alan was able to say
before the other figure grabbed
him by his neck and threw him into unconsciousness.
Alan reawoke to notice his captors sitting in a corner
around a bunch of blue
papers. Alan began to scream out the usual things
someone who has just been
kidnaped would scream, such as where am I? and who are
you? and what have you
done to me? and AHHHHHHH! All this was normal and
elicited no response from
Alan's two captors. After looking over the plans
for a while, one of the two
captors approached Alan and introduced himself.
"Greetings my good man. To answer your
questions in the order asked, you are
in the Cavern of Infinite Jelly, my name is Lethario,
that ass-ugly woman
over there is Della fuckin' Reese, and we have kidnaped
you because we had
nothing better to do. While on the way to tie you
to this geometrically
perfect pyramid of Tide, we decided to take a sample of
your blood, hair,
voice, tongue, eye, knee, and scrotum so that we can
genetically engineer an
evil robotic clone of you to reek havoc on the
world at our command. Now,
we will take the samples," Lothario said as he
signaled for Della Reese to
bring over the sample-taking tools.
Della walked over with a large array of old rusty metal
tools. Della picked
one up, licked it, and began.
Far across a place as desolate as even The Wastelands of
screams of a man could be heard faintly trailing the
laughing of a black
And so it had been like that for too many years for Alan
to keep track of.
He had to formulate some kind of plan to get out of the
insanity he was stuck
in. One day, when Della and Lothario were out, and
the legion of French
penguins with rifles had all fallen asleep, Alan decided
to make his escape.
About a week ago, during his daily feeding, Alan had
bitten down on
something so hard that it had chipped away one of his
teeth. Alan had been
holding on to this chip for quite some time, waiting for
a use for it to
appear. Alan surveyed the ropes which were binding
him to the Tide. It
seemed as if one of the lengths of rope had not been
securely fastened the
last time Della had allowed Alan to walk around and
stretch. Alan took this
opportunity and began to cut at the thin rope.
After what seemed like an
eternity of scratching and sawing, Alan was finally able
to cut away the
ropes. Alan fell gently and quietly to the ground
and stretched the
appropriate stretches. He surveyed his
options. He knew his judo skills
were high, so he let out a loud, triumphant yell to
awaken the legion of
"Monsieur, why for do you make the noise, no?"
one said as it touched the
alarm to awake the rest of the legion. One by one,
penguins filed out of
every visible opening in the cavern. Alan fought of
as many jelly covered
penguins as he could with graceful kicks and powerful
punches. When it
seemed as if he had finally exterminated all of the
penguins, Alan heard a
clapping. He looked in the direction of the
clapping and noticed Lothario.
"Very good, I'm impressed!" Lothario said
In a flash, Della flew behind Alan and grabbed him from
behind. She flew
high into the air so quickly that Alan lost
Alan reawoke to the familiar sight of the far end of the
cave. Feeling now
more hopeless than ever, he tried one more bright idea.
"PLEASE! LET ME OUT! AHHHHHHHH!" Alan
Della and Lethario looked at each other with a sense of
both shrugged and walked toward Alan.
"Well, I guess," Lethario said as he loosened
the ropes binding Alan to the
geometrically perfect pyramid of Tide clothes washing
"If you asked," Della Reese said as she cut out
the rest of the ropes.
Alan stood in a strange sense of stupidity. At this
moment, he felt as both
the stupidest man alive and the most ill.
"You mean. . .all. . .I. . .had to. .do. . .was. . .
. . . ask?" Alan said
"Yeah, I guess. I mean, we never looked at it
form your point of view, I
guess. Ha. Kind of funny isn't it,
Della?" Lethario remarked.
"Yeah, I mean, whodathunkit?" Della returned.
Alan began to laugh. The laugh grew loud and large
and then frightening.
Alan reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun.
He shot Lethario right
between the eyes and plugged Della five times in the
heart. Laughing harder
now then ever before, Mr. Thicke turned the gun to
himself and shot himself,
through the throat, in the brain.
LETHARIO AND ALF
"Odd, yes, Mr. Lethario, but yet for you to have
seen the rest," the penguin
that could fly told Lethario.
Thinking, "So, that wasn't enough?", Lethario
got up, wiped the bullet out of
his head, coughed up a billion tiny giraffes to repair
the damage in his
head, watched the giraffes jump through hoops, shoot
heroine, and talk about
the game. He then convinced them all to commit
suicide citing Shakespeare's
old adage, "Your a giraffe, KILL
YOURSELF!" Satisfied, Lethario returned
home. He swung open the doors to his 75 acre
mansion and had to ask himself
why he built a dog house on 75 acres of land he had to
steal from insane
Iroquai. Not to say that it wasn't a good dog
house, but, that's a lot of
land and those were some crazy ass Iroquai. Ha Ha.
Who? The first thing
Lethario did once he was inside the house was to look
over his plans. Now
your first question might be, "HEY! Where's my Root
Beer! And while we're at
it, where's my Beef Jerky you SON OF A BITCH!" and
to that I would say, "HOLD
ON! You'll get yours, oh yes, you'll get
yours." But after that, your
second question might go along the lines of, "Hey,
now just what kind of
plans were it that Mr. Lethario. . .were. . .going. .
.over. . . . . .Are you
touching my car. I SAID DON'T TOUCH MY
CAR!" Well, the plans he was going
over pertained to, uh, well, we'll get to that
later. First, let's examine
what happened to Lethario one day a few days ago when he
tried to check into
a swanky hotel in Upstate New York called the Hourly
Lethario walked into the lobby of the hotel and looked
the desk clerk
directly in the eyes. "What the hell was
that guy doing under that desk?"
Lethario thought. He then jumped under the
previously mentioned desk to find
a midget, oh, I apologize, Little Person, under the desk
running in a Hamster
"You have to IMPROVE your aim! IMPROVE!"
Lethario said before he snapped the
Little Person's neck in ten different places, killing him
instantly. He then
asked the desk clerk why he was smoking a cigarette on
the job before he
snapped his neck with a computer controlled neck snapping
device made of
artificial cheese. Hey, this is too weird for me to
make it up, so of course
its true. Taking one of the many keys that was on
the invisible key ring,
Lethario went to his room. There was something
slightly amiss, though, about
his room. Ahh, that was it. After wiping the
broken toasters off his
ceiling, Lethario did 7,500 jumping jacks to the 1812
Overture, 123,900 push
ups to the theme to Mash, and 456,777,890 leg and arm
severings to the Muzak
version of "Back to Life/Back to
Reality". All worked up with energy now,
Lethario jumped into the pool from the balcony of his 456
floor room. Amazed
that a woman could actually join NASA, every one in the
asked Lethario the same question.
"LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!"
they screamed. Lethario couldn't feel
right swimming in the pool, however, seeing as it lacked
one important thing.
Yes, it lacked. . . . . . wait for it. . . . . . uh huh.
. . . . . the right
amount of chlorine.
"Hey you guys! Do you think there's enough
chlorine?" Lethario yelled as
loud as he could into the ear of a small child.
"NO!. . .uh. . .actually, yes," they all
said. All except for one. Alf.
Alf stood there on the water and floated on it as he most
strumming his old six string and humming an old country
"I'll have to disagree with you on that one,
Charlie," Alf said. Alf said a
lot of things, he never seemed to know when to shut the
hell up, that guy.
"You see, on Melmac, my home planet, we thought this
was just the right
amount of chlorine," he said as he dipped his hand
into the water and pulled
out a scoop of water and drank it. Lethario was
"We'll see who knows what about what when I add the
right amount of
chlorine," Lethario said as he opened up his chest
cavity and let the
chlorine flow out of him like chlorine flowing out of a
man's chest cavity.
The people swimming in the pool all swam directly under
Mr. Lethario and
drank as much of the chlorine and blood mixture as they
could. All of them
now dead, Lethario stared Alf directly in the eyes.
"I think that was just the right amount of cocaine,
I mean, cocaine, huh Mr.
Alf?" Lethario said in his best Bruce Lee
impression. It's all good.
"GOOD GOD! OH. . .OH MY DEAR GOD! You
just, I mean, OH MY GOD!" one man
that had seen all this said. Lethario instantly
made him atomize and explode.
"Ha, you believe, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Lethario,
that was the right amount?
You know nothing. To prove you know nothing, it is
my plan to start a war
with you. A brutal, terrible, evil war, in which
few will survive, but many
will win fantastic prizes, such as a trip to
Swazilaharatiti and maybe, if
they're lucky, Queens," Alf said as he flew into the
"You'd think flying into the sun like that would
burn him up; I wonder how he
survives it," a strange turtle remarked as it walked
on by. Lethario didn't
have time for such complex Calculus problems as this, so
he kicked the turtle
away from him and flew instantly to his house to prepare.
His plans laid out before him, Lethario looked them
over. Yes, with this
brilliant strategy, Lethario was sure to win the victory
over that cat eating
bastard. First, his battalion of glazed donut
warriors were sure to weaken
whatever force Alf would put up first. Then,
Lethario's second battalion,
the Bums of Chivalry and the Prostitutes of Destiny would
his second wave and maybe penetrate his third. Last
but not least,
Lethario's most powerful offense, his final attack
squadron, was infallible.
Yes, it would be impossible to destrtoy the original cast
of Charle's in
Charge. They were the most fight ready group of
wash-outs Lethario had seen
since. . .Lethario didn't want to think about it.
They were too powerful.
It would be impossible for Alf to have acquired them on
The day of the battle was set for August 76, in the year
7095. After 5096
years of surprisingly un-tedious wait, Lethario and Alf
met on the hill of a
place with a whole bunch of hills.
"Today is to be the day, then," Alf remarked to
"Yes, today it is to be settled," Lethario
remaeked to Alf.
The two both rode back to their respecticve positions on
their giant flyng
Lethario's glazed donut soldiers marched with their
spears down to meet Alf's
forces. Alf's first forces were a group of young
fighters you may readily
remember as the stars of 1989's highest rated illegal
porno, the Care Bears!
The two groups fought valiantly. The glazed donut
soldiers speared the
plastic button eyes out of the bears and tossed them back
agian as powerful
projectiles. The Care Bears would tear out their
own stuffing and then eat
it. The Care Bears all ended up dying because they
pulled all the stuffing
out of themselves and died. Seeing this, the glazed
donut soldiers all
instantly combusted and flew high and majestically into
"What the fuck was that all about?" Alf was
left to ask.
But time for reflection was shortlived. The second
battle was to take place
now. Lethario's Bums of Chivalry and Prostitutes of
Destiny ran onto the
battlefield letting out loud screams of joy and anger as
they went up against
Alf's army of Bill Gates clones. The two factions
fought valiantly. The
bums and prostitutes were adept in quickly dismantling
Mr. Gates of his
power, but in the end, they were no match for the Bills'
power. Get it?
"One for the Alf side, I do believe," Alf said
"That may be so, but did you expect this?"
Lethario said as he unfurled the
original cast of Charle's in Charge. For a moment,
Alf had a look of defeat
across his face, before he began to laugh.
"GOOD! Very good! But, I have, them. .
." Alf said as he pointed down to
what Lethario had feared most. Not only was it the
original cast of The
Fact's of Life, but the entire cast of the A-Team.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Lethario yelled as Scott Baio and
friends were quickly
destroyed by the much more powerful casts.
"I can end this," Lethario said as he ended it
by grabbing his Johnson and
reciting the Canadian National Anthem. Alf and his
disappeared. Lethario had won.